Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
