just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
