my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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