my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?