i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
