I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
