He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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