peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
