dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
