Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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