i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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