dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
