you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
