I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
