today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
