I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
