Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i've created a new STD.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
