I'm eating all of the evidence.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
