the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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