2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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