I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We are two peas in an std pod
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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