the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
