Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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