Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
