Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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