I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
