Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
