Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
