Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
