So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
