Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
