so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
