On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
