I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
