I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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