Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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