If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
