dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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