This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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