What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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