id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
