You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
