Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
