between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
