Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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