Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
