I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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