I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
