The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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