I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The Olympian is in my bed
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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