Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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