Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
