Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
