So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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