I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
