I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
