i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
