I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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